It seems like every woman these days considers herself a Type-A personality. We’re driven by this desire to seem superhuman and self-sufficient. It doesn’t help that our society celebrates a perfectionist, overachiever mentality. Though it is our fault that we feed into it like a Kardashian rerun marathon.
I’m completely guilty of running myself into the ground in an attempt to “do it all”. I remember when I turned 14 I was so excited to get my working papers. In high-school I stressed myself out so much over maintaining good grades, while keeping up with all of my extracurriculars and dance that I ended up in the hospital with a stomach ailment. I was out of school for a week and when I tried to go back too soon, just sitting in the classroom triggered my anxiety and I was back home before the end of 1st period.
Unfortunately, I didn’t learn from that little episode. In college I worked Friday afternoons to Sunday nights as a bartender and after school days I was a telemarketer for the school’s donation center. After graduating from college I worked four jobs. Four jobs! I had a color coded schedule with 30 minute increments so I knew where to be on what day at what time.
But this post isn’t about the problem with our success-driven production-valued society. It’s not even about being overworked. What I really want to talk about is what happens as a result of this hyperactive go-getter mentality. Specifically in regards to our romantic relationships, or lack there of.
I’m sure you are familiar with the terms masculine and feminine, but you may not be aware that these terms describe very real, specific energy and that there is an entire field of study on the effects of masculine and feminine energy.
To brief you on the subject, we all have masculine and feminine energy within us, no matter if you are a man or a woman. The masculine is action orientated. It’s the “do”, “go”, “produce” energy that fires you up. The feminine is creative, intuitive, and gentle energy that lends space to let things happen. It’s also restorative. By the way, we need both!
I know all about masculine energy. I ran on it all through my formative years. I had no idea about the feminine and if I did, I would never have believed how important it is. After all, the masculine gets shit done! What does the feminine do? It allows things to happen. Ain’t nobody got time for that!
Turns out the feminine is just as important as the masculine. The feminine is creativity, renewal, compassion, connection. It balances the masculine and compliments it.
If you need a visual, imagine an all-male house party. Men acting stupid, crashing into each other, yelling, chugging beer, making a mess and farting. Ew! Now, think about what happens when you add a group of women into the mix. It’s a little cleaner. It smells a little better and it’s a little less aggressive up in there.
The imbalance arises when so many of us, especially women spend way too much time in a masculine state. We don’t know how to disconnect, we take work home with us and we even date with masculine energy. We pursue instead of letting ourselves be pursued. We plan the dates, we dominate the conversation. We want to show how strong and independent we are. But it’s a double-edged sword. By constantly demonstrating our strength and independence and proving we’ve got everything covered we leave the man wondering, “What can I contribute? She’s got this. She doesn’t need me.”
A mans deepest desire is two-fold: to feel needed and to make a woman happy. The greatest thing you can do for a man is ask for his help. Now, that in no way means you need to act helpless. This isn’t about dumbing yourself down and it isn’t about deceit.
Making a conscious decision to slip into your feminine energy around a man benefits you as much as him. When you are in your feminine energy, you provide an open and judgment-free environment where a man feels safe to express his feelings.
What woman has ever said, “I wish my man would stop sharing his feelings so much.”!?
Men want to be heroes. It’s in their nature. Men love a successful strong woman, but they also want to feel that a woman needs something from them.
In order for a man to be a hero though, someone has to let him be a hero. And if a woman keeps shooting down a man’s efforts, he is going to feel emasculated.
I pushed away plenty of men by making them feel not needed. My thinking was that my time was valuable and if they were really worth it, they would wait for me and not get in the way of my success. Only when I realized that my behavior was emasculating and I made space for a man, did a truly great one enter my life. He didn’t get in the way of my success. He supported me by providing a safe place for me to land. A man sees himself as a protector and a provider and a woman want’s to feel safe and secure. When a man and a woman are allowed to be in their true nature, both parties feel like their needs are being met.
If you didn’t figure it out already, the masculine and feminine have to do with testosterone and estrogen. A man produces about 16 times more testosterone than a woman which is why he can do “masculine” all day long and it doesn’t wear him out. When a woman does masculine all day long she becomes exhausted because it is not her natural state.
There’s a place and time for women to be masculine: at work, in positions of leadership, in a kickboxing class. The key is knowing when and how to switch it off.
Too much testosterone
Something I was made aware of recently that I find to be very cool is there is an enzyme located in the brain that converts testosterone to estrogen, and women can access it by simply making the conscious decision to slip into the feminine.
Luckily, it is very easy to do so and it often involves doing things that we women love to do anyway: Do something that feels indulgent. Paint your nails, watch TV with a cup of tea under a blanket, take your time applying your makeup before going out at night, savor a piece of chocolate. It’s even as simple as taking a few deep breathes before you walk in the door after a long day at work.
You may find that you’re not so exhausted anymore. You have more energy to do the things that matter to you. If you have a significant other, pay attention to how being in your feminine effects him. He may start acting a hero and even fix a few things around the house 😉
If you are dating, experiment with slipping into your feminine and see what kind of attention you get. I can bet you will find men to be more attentive, intrigued and generally in awe of you without being able to pinpoint why.
We live in a society where masculine energy is the standard if you want to be a successful, accomplished adult and that is perfectly fine. I’m not about to stop going after what I want and working hard to achieve my vision of success. We only run into trouble when we devalue and suppress the feminine. Until we recognize the importance of the feminine and the balance between the two energies, we will continue to run on fumes and wonder why we are so frustrated and tired.
After all, being a woman is exhausting enough let alone also trying to be a man.
Anyone else have trouble turning off their masculine energy at the end of the day?
What do you like to do to relax and treat yourself?
Do you notice you feel more feminine after doing those things?